I saw him today, the man I once loved years ago. The man I still love. I felt time slow down as a million memories ran across my mind; our first hello, our first kiss, the first time I felt unconditional love.
All I could do was stare in awe, but I longed to run to him and kiss him and spill my heart out on how much I loved him and how sorry I am for breaking his heart, but I just stood there in awe.
Speechless.. He always made me speechless.. Why was I suprised? I shouldn’t be suprised. I could not keep myself from staring .. Was I hallucinating? Am I drunk ? I must be drunk, I should go home.
Sometimes I’ll try to fool myself into thinking I never met him, like it was some story I made up in my head to escape my troubles, to run away from the harsh realities of life. Its days like this when I miss him, well no.. Id be wrong to say that.. I cant think of a day when I didn’t miss him should I tell him I miss him? Maybe I’ll find the answer at the bottom of this glass.
He glanced my way but I could see the pain in his face, he hated who I had become. A girl sitting alone at the bar half drunk on vodka exchanging slurry words with the bartender. He hated it when I drank but he never understood that I had to ease the pain, he never understood that for the four years we loved he was my high.. he didn’t understand that when he left I had to find new means of getting high.
I tried to keep my eyes glued to my phone but I felt his eyes piercing through me, I felt the burn, the sting of my first love. My only love.
‘Another shot please!’ I yelled as I glanced over to find his new love locked in his gaze. I was going to drink until I forgot.
Drink until I forgot the night you told me you loved me while we were speeding down empty streets, forget the Saturday nights we’d spend watching the stars as we opened your sunroof, forget how you’d trace your fingertips across the moles on my face. forget the night when I ran out the house crying, forget how you ran after me, forget you kissed my teary cheeks and promised to always be my side.
Im so pathetic arent i? I drink to forget but the opposite occurs.
I should go home, she’s about to kiss him, I should go home.
Its minutes to midnight and I stumble home.. I search my room for his old letters, I hate him. I hate him.
He’s a liar, he’s a liar.
I love you, I love you. Take me back.
Its one am my phone rings, his name shows up. I must be very drunk, I’ll go to bed. I should go to bed but I have to tell him I love him, I have to tell him I love him more than she ever could, I knew him better than she ever could. I have to tell him that I’m his soulmate, me ! The girl who’s loved him from fourth form, the girl that had her first kiss with him at University.
I dont remember what I said but I woke up to a text that said.. ‘I love you too, I always will’ but all I said was ‘I was drunk’.