What’s wrong with me? 

What’s wrong with me? 

I’ve always wanted things I could never have; people that will never truly be mine. 

My history has proven this, looking at you is like looking into a broken mirror of my past. 

Different face but you have left me in the same place. 

A place so dark where tears and self doubt    are my nightly lullaby. Where my sadness covers me like a cloak if only it could protect me from the cold grasp of your harrowing love.

I have often wondered why it is that I seem to continuously have a perplexed obsession with damaged men. 

What’s wrong with me? 

Girls like me don’t get very far, for we are far too kind and far too foolish. We cling on to the one speck of good we see in someone, cling to it as if we were holding on for dear life.  

We continually and conveniently ignore that we are repeatedly being stabbed in the chest by the actions of a self seeking man. 

Romantic ? Sadistic ? Maybe both? Who knows? 
Call it love, call it self hate, call it what you may but I do know there’s something wrong with me. 

And that is, I love too much although I know better, I still expect it to be reciprocated. I expect people to have the same heart as me. 

That’s what’s wrong with me. 

Rape Culture pt1

Rape is for many, a very sensitive topic but with recent events I needed an outlet to vent. Everyday I come across comments from men placing blame on victims of sexual assault. It is very saddening that we teach “how to safely walk to your car” instead of teaching “no means NO” – this reinforces my belief in rape culture. For those who don’t know what rape culture is; it is a term designed to show differnt ways in which society places blame on sexual assault victims and normalizes sexual male violence. It also includes sexual objectification, trivializing rape and refusing to acknowledge the harm caused by some forms of sexual violence.

Recently I was having a conversation with a man about a woman who had gotten raped leaving a popular night spot. Can you believe this person had the nerve to say something along the lines of “if the owners of a business left their doors open without any security & they got robbed in the middle of the night who would be blamed ? the robbers or the owners?

At this point I was fuming with rage because:

  1. The robbers walked in and took something they know doesn’t belong to them. They knew that they shouldn’t steal. Stealing is morally and legally wrong. What really is his argument??? 
  2. WOMEN ARE NOT POSSESSIONS! 

 A woman is a PERSON. I didn’t  know whether to laugh or cry at how unbelievably absurd and self-incriminating  these analogies are and yet people still consistently use them. It is absolutely disgusting that some people will try to equate a woman with inanimate possessions , I am not an object that can be stolen or “taken”. I am not a consumable good, I am a goddamn human being. It’s really not that hard to understand.

People shouldn’t be assaulted under any circumstances, regardless of anything they’re wearing or doing – because it’s wrong!  Also, not for nothing, we DO teach people not to steal. If someone leaves their car unlocked and someone steals something that’s inside of it, they’re still a criminal who has committed an immoral, criminal act. There is literally nothing about this “argument” that isn’t ridiculous and idiotic. The funny thing is that in using these burglary analogies in discussions of rape, you’re only proving that you don’t value a woman’s personhood or bodily anatomy. 

For Colin

She just needed you even though you’d broken her time & time again.
She adored you even all you did was give her pain.
Maybe that’s what she’s been waiting for all her life ; to find someone as broken as she was
Thousands of poems and you still don’t know how her heart flutters at the sound of your voice
Maybe she wish you knew just how afraid she was you’d never stay
Or maybe she just couldn’t find the words…. to make you feel her love.
She needed a bit of saving… The world was cruel to her but your eyes were warm.
And she was scared to lose you… You had her know what it was like to feel again.
Despite the venom she gave you,  you were everything she wanted but could never have
She wanted you to try to love her half as much as she loves you…
She ached for you to live in the moment with her…
She latched onto the craziness in you… Because her demons played perfectly with yours
Maybe she needed you more than her pride let her say..
And today that pride is gone, I am she & she loves you.

For the boy that grew up in Frederick.

“Some people get lost in their heads,  others in their hearts but I get lost in you.
And im a long way from home but Im in love with the way you smile..
It stays with me in a silhouette- like im standing in the sun
Certain things defy odds but you have all of me.
Take my wild untamed heart because I can’t close it anymore,  its doors have been blown to pieces.
ill whisper your name when I see a shooting star and wish you weren’t so far
Whatever we are I hope we will always collide
For now, ill smile and wave goodbye”

Keep on searching

Don’t ask about her, that girl you left behind
She’s no longer yours to find
Dont come looking for the innocence you left
My halo is crooked and dirty from the beds ive laid in
That shy smile you’re looking for, hasnt been worn in years
Like your pendant with initials etched into a rice grain
Why do you want to ache? to relieve those memories again?
-keep on searching-
Because you wont find her here, the girl with a golden heart
Who can laugh at the silliest thing, the one who you loved to hear sing
The girl who looked into your brown eyes and saw the world…
Go on boy, search all you want but the dead cant resurrect
Don’t try to find that girl….
The girl that you murdered in September
The one who loved you, remember?

Starting Over.

I will erase your name, your face
I will never visit our old favorite place

I will forget the way you breathe when you sleep
You were never mine to keep.

I can pretend we never shared this bed
I will do whatever it takes to get you out of my head

I will drown your name in vodka and ice and will never think twice

You can keep your lies while I put on this disguise.

Im strong, I dont need you, Im starting over.

Your turn to listen to lies.

Vodka Ice Ice

Vodka ice, ice.
He’s had a bit too much to drink tonight and thats okay so have i.
Vodka ice, ice.

Feelings pour out over text messages and a drunken phone call
“I really like you” he says but i never really know what he means at all.
Maybe he too drank vodka ice ice

And this vodka ice ice wants me to tell him i think of him sober and drunk.

That i adore the way he calls me honey and I love how his face glows when he talks about bobby kennedy.

Tell him ! says this glass of vodka ice ice
Tell him how your stomach flips inside when he touches you
Say how much he makes you smile, tell him he made you feel.
Tell him he did the impossible, make him know, he made you feel.

No i cant mr.vodka ice ice cause I just wish these feelings would be gone.

“You better tell him or i will” says vodka ice ice
he made you care. I think you should tell him.

My brain knows this is wrong that I need to move along
But i got caught in between logical thinking and instict.

Let me hate him vodka ice ice, let me say i never want to see you again
but he knows ill never truly stay away
My addiction for his touch is as strong as the need for the taste of vodka ice ice on my tongue

Do you remember the night when he–?
No vodka ice ice, i dont want to remember.

But I do remember.. I’ll never be able to not remember, a man so charming is as rare as a red moon on a cloudless night.

I like how we have similar scars, but please vodka ice ice.
Dont you ever let the fucker know.

I was drunk.

I saw him today, the man I once loved years ago. The man I still love. I felt time slow down as a million memories ran across my mind; our first hello, our first kiss, the first time I felt unconditional love.

All I could do was stare in awe, but I longed to run to him and kiss him and spill my heart out on how much I loved him and how sorry I am for breaking his heart, but I just stood there in awe.

Speechless.. He always made me speechless.. Why was I suprised? I shouldn’t be suprised. I could not keep myself from staring .. Was I hallucinating? Am I drunk ? I must be drunk, I should go home.

Sometimes I’ll try to fool  myself into thinking I never met him, like it was some story I made up in my head to escape my troubles, to run away from the harsh realities of life. Its days like this when I miss him, well no.. Id be wrong to say that.. I cant think of a day when I didn’t miss him should I tell him I miss him? Maybe I’ll find the answer at the bottom of this glass.

He glanced my way but I could see the pain in his face, he hated who I had become. A girl sitting alone at the bar half drunk on vodka exchanging slurry words with the bartender. He hated it when I drank but he never understood that I had to ease the pain, he never understood that for the four years we loved he was my high.. he didn’t understand that when he left I had to find new means of getting high.

I tried to keep my eyes glued to my phone but I felt his eyes piercing through me, I felt the burn, the sting of my first love. My only love.

‘Another shot please!’ I yelled as I glanced over to find his new love locked in his gaze. I was going to drink until I forgot.

Drink until I forgot the night you told me you loved me while we were speeding down empty streets, forget the Saturday nights we’d spend watching the stars as we opened your sunroof, forget how you’d trace your fingertips across the moles on my face. forget the night when I ran out the house crying, forget how you ran after me, forget  you kissed my teary cheeks and promised to always be my side.

Im so pathetic arent i? I drink to forget but the opposite occurs.

I should go home, she’s about to kiss him, I should go home.

Its minutes to midnight and I stumble home.. I search my room for his old letters, I hate him. I hate him.

He’s a liar, he’s a liar.

I love you, I love you. Take me back.

Its one am my phone rings, his name shows up. I must be very drunk, I’ll go to bed. I should go to bed but I have to tell him I love him, I have to tell him I love him more than she ever could, I knew him better than she ever could. I have to tell him that I’m his soulmate, me ! The girl who’s loved him from fourth form, the girl that had her first kiss with him at University.

I dont remember what I said but I woke up to a text that said.. ‘I love you too, I always will’ but all I said was ‘I was drunk’.

Monsters Under Our Bed

List of The Monsters Under Our Bed.

I. Pride

It always came before everything else.

2. Hypocrisy

You told me to grow up. But somehow, you were always the baby with the bottle. You drank as if its contents were an infants milk: the only thing giving strength to your bones.

3. Judgment

You told me I brought it in. I did it to keep all the other monsters out.

4. Insecurity

When we said we thought highly of each other, I never thought the goal would be to knock each other down. When I called you by your name, you told me to call you “baby” because you said ”I like it much better.”

5. Dishonesty

Your words, actions and entire existence cannot be proven. When you left, I had no way to be sure you were ever there.

6. Impatience

I told you I would wait for you. You said you didn’t want me to. Now, I realize you didn’t want to do any waiting for me.

7. Pride

Subordination to each other was never a discussion and domination was something we thought we both needed.

8. Pride

I had to apologize for messes I never made.

9. Pride

When I said we could fix it the only thing you thought was worth keeping was Pride.

10. Pride

It always came before everything else.

11.Pride

It always came before everything else

12.Pride

It always came before everything else

13. Pride

The most dangerous monsters are the ones that we have grown to believe are not.

We were stupid enough to think that as long as we were wrapped under those sheets together, the monsters would never come out and find us, but they tore us apart bit by bit. Now, we have scars on our faces.

We can barely look at each other without recoiling at the carnage.

Someone else holds you at night. I know it. I wonder if she is a better warrior than I was.

I wonder if she fights off those demons I overlooked.

After Effect

I’m afraid to close my tired eyes for too long, I’m afraid to fall asleep

Every night it repeats, the one thing you never let me keep

The memory I try to suppress; but still I can feel your hand under my dress

Even your scent comes back- execrable

Reminiscence of a cataclysmic failure of affection

I’m afraid to fall asleep for;

I relive your cruel deed, forever I will stay awake

Because of your selfish need.